托福作文独立改错

fiona

文稿由迪拜中文网特邀新浪环球雅思英语老师杨亚雄提供


简介
传说中的“雄哥”；教授雅思、托福和业余关注“塞上江南”的故事。公众微信号：Teacherhero

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:The world is changing fast,people are less happy.

Happiness, a feeling that almost all humanity wants to reach, has been doubted whether people feel less happy with the rapid development in this world. Some people believe that the development of technology makes people happier, while others counter by saying that the pressure which are increased with world’s fast changing makes people less happy. I’m among those who consider that people are more stressed with the development of the world.

Happiness is brought upon by technological development. Technology has brought a lot of convenience which makes people’s life more wonderful. Abundant automatic machines which can share workers’ burdens are invented and used in the factory, so workers feel more joyful with less job to do and they spend more time to enjoy themselves with their family and do doing what they are interested in. Besides, the communication methods are becoming diversified like that we contact each other by smart phones instead of letters. There are various apps which that we can use to make friends, play games and share information,etc. The smart phone plays an essential role in the way people relax and entertain. As you can see above, it is not easy to say that stressed living environment with all of these can make us be more time with boring technologies instead of happiness first of all.  

On the other hand (Besides), technological development sometimes troubles us. As (With) the high-pace growth of industry, equipment is becoming increasingly sophisticated to meet people’s needs. So professional skills and qualifications which may be hard to reach are required to be a technological worker. Workers are needed to be more well educated, however they will undergo far more workload and pressure than the past. In addition, there are numerous demerits of the fast progress which are troubling people by using smart phone. For instance, a lot of people wants to make true friends through apps but they will be cheated after the appointment; kids who lack of self-control would be addicted to the games installed on the phone; the rumors which bothered noticeable people spread more widely and quickly; chances for people meet face to face are limited. Consequently, the disadvantages which cannot make people feel happier are far more than the advantages in the development of technology.

Last, life is people are too high-pressured to feel happiness. There are different types of pressures that we have to undertake. We are faced with the pressure from both the desire to fulfill material needs and the associated the association of mental burdens. The adults have to earn a lot of money to run cultivate the family, and the intense work competition and family needs would stress them out. The kids are exhausted as the parents and schools force them to study hard to enter a famous college only if they pass the test called Gaokao, a kind of test like SAT in China . Moreover, the environment is aggravated with the world’s changing when people enjoy the convenience brought by technology. The aggravation of environment can do harm to the creatures like animals, vegetation and humans. For example, the haze which may worsen the health condition of people have has covered a large number of areas in China. The physical illness and mental depression both have been troubling people who are suffered from the terrible air pollution. So the more we desire, the more we will suffer.

In conclusion, with the development of technology such as machines and smart phones use,there are more serious problems including the heavier workload and harmful human health, cheat behaviors , scandal and addiction in games on the phone, which can never be balanced with the advantage of convenience and entertainment of the technology brought to people. Moreover, the pressure which kids and adults suffer also bothers people a lot. Accordingly, people are less happy with the world’s changing.

Dear you candidate,

I would like to congratulate you for doing a great job here in essay writing. Please kindly remind you to take a look for merits and demerits of essay as follows:

Merits:

1 You essay can include or concentrate your individual perspective and you also give amounts of examples and details to support you own ideas of essay.

2 The answers are necessarily enough with detailed information. You can write some long sentences which may be able to show your power of strengthening grammar arrangement.

3 The whole essay contains some expertise phrases and words that are strictly requirements of writing such high-level response.

4 You are fairly clear to do with such issues such as structure, logics, what you are about to write and how you organize your ideas excessively.

Demerits:

1 You may have some tiny errors appeared and I listed them with blue color revising.

2 You use more than words of more, development, convenience or entertainment etc., which are less competitive with others. So, I mean, paraphrasing is a must in your essay.

3 What you write is quite long, which is less nice for your time and then, you may be becoming a bit tired and not focus your ideas logically in the end. So, I suggest you guys to do the job within 400 words.

Well, finally, I would like to score this essay as 26 of 30 in TOEFL exam.